KING BABY

Tom Cunningham

HAZELDEN

Copyright © 1986, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved. No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the written permission of the publisher.

INTRODUCTION

Dr. Harry Tiebout used "His Majesty, the Baby," the words of psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud, to describe an inborn attitude. The term King Baby could just as well be Queen Baby, because we all probably have this infantile ego in our unconscious minds. Chemically dependent people must be especially aware of King Baby characteristics; for these attitudes and behaviors can interfere with recovery.

In our Twelve Step programs, we repeatedly see the need and make the attempt to surrender - to turn our lives and our will over to the care of God. We have slogans that emphasize the necessity and rewards of the Third Step: Let Go and Let God, What's Turned Over Turns Out. The recognition of powerlessness is the basis of surrender, but the act of surrendering comes with the total acceptance of that powerlessness. Many of us who have difficulty with the First Step may recognize our powerlessness but be unwilling to accept it. In other words, we are able to see and understand it, but our need for control prevents us from committing ourselves to this very necessary act of surrender. Our egos interfere. Our immaturity demands we retain control. Our King Baby mentality insists we direct our lives and control our wills. In doing so, King Baby obstructs our healthy recovery.

In this pamphlet, we will learn to identify the infantile King Baby ego within us. Our childish personality traits must be surrendered before our disease can be fully arrested. The compulsive King Baby personality can accelerate addiction or lead to relapse. We have to maintain our awareness of these tendencies as we work our Twelve Step recovery program in Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous.

WHO IS KING BABY?

To understand King Baby, let's imagine for a moment we're returning to the womb. Here we feel warmth, security, com-fort, freedom, and power. All our needs are taken care of. We

These feelings of worthlessness, self-blame, and I-don't-belong become a central part of our personalities. King Baby - a selfish, demanding being - emerges as a reaction to these feelings of shame and inadequacy. As we childishly strive to be accepted and to please other people, we begin to seek things from the outside to feel better inside. Designer clothes, fast cars, attractive girlfriends or boyfriends, drugs, and the excitement of life in the fast lane help salve our pain. We develop attractive, magnetic, charming exteriors to get our way. Pleasure-seeking, power-seeking, and attention-seeking devices are used to fill the void, but the void remains. No amount of love, status, money, or fame is enough for the scared little child in us.

Seeing this as a weakness, the King Baby part of us will try to destroy, attack, and push aside our scared little child. By denying these feelings, King Baby ultimately blocks out the fact that the scared little child exists.

The Inner Struggle

Understanding King Baby is difficult because things are never as they appear on the surface. There are two prime motivating factors: first, the scared, lonely, child who does not want to be hurt anymore and, second, the King Baby who is never satisfied.

When the frightened child in us hears the word no, an inner message tells us we are bad. We feel loved when we are pampered, and unloved when we are disciplined or scolded. When we are criticized, our immaturity insists on the right to have our own way and argues that if we are loved, others should give us our way. Often, our manipulations allow us to win.

Both of these drives - the frightened child and the demanding King Baby - are temporarily satisfied if we create the person we believe others want us to be. However, long-term recovery is based on the scared little child regaining self-worth and learning to control the King Baby behavior.

Truth: We have tried to get by on looks alone. The end of the game is when others tire of the child who requires continuous reassurance of his or her attractiveness. The Entertainer

The Perfectionist

Myth: I am not worthwhile unless I succeed at being the best in what I do.

Truth: No one is always the best or the most successful, but we try to gain self-worth by specializing in doing certain things well. The end of the game comes either

when we realize the futility of such high expectations or when others tire of our competitiveness. Sweetums

Myth: If I am nice and sweet to everyone, they will like me. Truth: Our fear of rejection causes us to constantly seek approval from everyone., The end of the game is when we realize we can't make everyone happy or when others tire of our wishy-washy attitudes.

The Rebel

Myth: I must get my way or else. Rules are for other people. If you tell me not to do something, you are waving a red flag in my face and challenging me to do it.

Truth: We rebels usually get the consequences or punishment we deserve or ask for. The end of the game is when we weary of paying the price the outlaw must pay and abandon this behavior.

The Martyr

Myth: I deserve to suffer. I don't count. Nobody understands. Poor me. I see your pity as an expression of love.

Truth: We confuse love with pity and believe sacrificing ourselves will protect us from abandonment. The end of the game is when we get tired of suffering and

realize we deserve better. The Dropout

Myth: If you won't play the game my way, I won't play the game at all.

Truth: Paralyzed by fear of failure and rejection, we attempt nothing and feel the world owes us. We are so discouraged and pessimistic, we give up before we even start. The end of the game comes when others get tired of providing a free ride .2,1

THE VICIOUS CIRCLE

Every one of these games began with some promise of success but slipped into frustration and failure. A King Baby's life becomes a series of extreme highs and lows. New beginnings are always followed by painful endings. These Babies become addicted to the thrill of success and, more importantly, to the pain of failure.

King Babies can't stand the boredom of things going too well and will rock the boat or create a crisis. A life of turmoil clouds the issues and lessens their responsibility for failures. The chaos even keeps them from seeing their constantly lessened self-esteem. The fact that it is not fun anymore is lost in the total absence of any feelings. It's predictable that the King Baby personality will be addicted to something. It is only a matter of time.

THE FATAL COMBINATION

Addicted to a life of excess and driven by feelings of low self-worth, an immature person's life is frustrating and unrewarding, but not necessarily fatal. But something happens to the chemically dependent person when the King Baby lifestyle

(John Powell, S. J., Why Am I Afraid To Tell You Who I Am? (Allen, TX, Argus Communications, 1969). Available through Hazelden Educational Materials, order no. 6670. Janet Geringer Woititz, Ed. D., Struggle for Intimacy (Pompano Beach, FL, Health Communications, Inc., 1985). Available through Hazelden Educational Materials, order no. 6642.)

When that sick, panicky feeling of butterflies in the stomach becomes a raging fear and terror that totally consumes us, we hit bottom. The Baby cannot imagine life without chemicals and is fearful of going on and on in this never- ' ending rat race. Locked into the pattern of this repeated

behavior and never trying anything different, King Baby is too paralyzed by fear to face the next day. Recovery can be delayed by the immature ego which still insists on being right - "I can do anything. I don't need help." Timing is everything, for now the Baby is vulnerable and can be helped.

ADMIT DEFEAT, FACE REALITY

Admitting our way didn't work and facing failure will open the floodgates to a world of pain. In an instant our King Baby will go from feeling we need help to feeling hopeless, from being optimistic to believing we can't change. We will stay stuck in our swamp of despair waiting to be rescued while demanding a guaranteed blueprint for success before we will face our fears and begin to act. At this time, we can accept the hand of A.A. or N.A. reaching out to us in the form of another King Baby alcoholic or drug addict, reassuring us the Twelve Steps work. Before the First Step is taken, King Baby needs the hope of "If others can do it, so can L"

The way out of the King Baby trap is "I Can't, We Can" thinking. Surrendering to the Twelve Step way of life can harness the power of King Baby and can help us find a Higher Power that will work for us.

We can learn the true meaning of forgiveness, humility, and gratitude. We can learn to avoid the pitfalls of King Baby and tune into the Twelve Steps. We can learn to have fun again while gaining a new, deeper understanding of life. , HEALING OUR SCARED LITTLE CHILD

Using all the love and support from our Twelve Step group, . we must begin an inward journey to meet that scared "bad"

boy or girl part of us, so long ignored. We can let ourselves imagine walking into his or her room and seeing the child huddled and crying in the corner. We can become loving, caring parents to that child within each of us. As any parent would do, we encourage the child to come, sit close, and to explain what is wrong. Then by holding that child, saying "It's all right," and gently wiping away the tears, we can let this youngster know that he or she is loved, is a beautiful human being, and is safe.

THE NURTURING WITHIN A.A. AND N.A.

A soft, warm, secure feeling exists in Twelve Step groups and it reaches out to newcomers with the message "You are loved just because you exist, and I will love you even before you become lovable." This is the promise of A.A. and N.A. - love with no strings. The only expectation is a sincere desire to stop drinking or using. This is the warm, radiant womb that the Baby has been looking for all along. The warm, caring Twelve Step family is genuine and stands in sharp contrast to the false security of alcohol and other drugs.

SELF-LOVE

Slowly, the recovering Baby begins to gain self-respect through the Twelve Steps. It's hard work changing one's whole life, but A.A. and N.A. are always there as guides. In these programs, an awareness of personal dignity begins to bloom. It happens through self-discovery, self-discipline, selfforgiveness, and self-acceptance. Gradually the scared little child takes the opportunity to develop self-love.

TO LOVE AND BE LOVED

It makes no difference if the people in our Twelve Step groups loved us before we loved ourselves. The key is that

now we are loving ourselves more. Gradually, we will explore and discover all the wonderful assets we have.

It's like a celebration for a sponsor to watch a sponsee discover his or her wonderful and unique talents. Each one learns from the other while going through the trials of early sobriety. Sponsors do this so they can stay sober; but, in doing so, they reinforce all that they have learned. Watching the newcomer come alive again is a thrill that is reward enough.

FREEDOM

Coming alive again with a sense of self-dignity and becoming connected with a sponsor will prepare us for the next stage.

Our immaturity has forced us to spend our lives attracting outside power to feel good inside. Selling ourselves for a smile was slavery. Good feelings do not come from people, places, or things, but from the inside.

Reclaiming personal power comes by first admitting powerlessness over others. We all need to take responsibility for our own self-worth and dignity. Self-worth does not depend upon what others say or do, but instead on how a person reacts to what others say or do. There are choices about the way to

react. Reacting with fear, anger, or resentment tends to make a person feel worthless. Accepting the fact that everyone is not going to agree with us, and perhaps not even like us, is reality.

SURRENDER: BE GOD OR BELIEVE IN GOD It's quite a relief to be free from trying to run the whole universe. In surrendering, we turn the job back to a Higher Power who, in turn, fills our souls with the warmth, comfort, and serenity we've been seeking so long. Once again it is similar to the feelings of the womb.

to also be honest, open, and vulnerable, which is difficult but now possible. Feeling free to be ourselves, we can face reality. Humility helps us to be teachable and flexible. To continue growing and avoid relapse, humility must be constantly maintained.

GUILT

King Baby's guilt machine, or conscience, is broken. King Babies whitewash their behaviors and lose their value systems in the process. Realizing this, they overreact and beat themselves constantly for being human. Until the King Baby in us finds a balance and a new set of values, we will need to rely heavily on our sponsors. A good rule of thumb is if we feel guilty, we shouldn't do it. We need to find out what we believe in and live by it.

USING OUR ADDICTIVE PERSONALITIES We know we have addictive personalities. Why not try being addicted to something that is positive for us? We can pick some mini-goals or things that we can do each day. We can develop a fun, positive, even passionate love affair with some kind of exercise program. If we want to, we can go back to school.

DEVELOPING A PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP WITH OUR HIGHER POWER

We should ask ourselves what kind of a Higher Power we have, and how we are going to contact Him as we read our daily meditations. We can pick a theme to live each day by, remembering that a positive attitude is not automatic, but comes from practice and hard work. The more our expectations are lowered, the more our serenity increases. We can practice acceptance of ourselves and others.